


broken is my normal

by Carlosaphina



Series: Broken [1]
Category: Star Trek
Genre: Asexual James T. Kirk, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Happy Ending, Insecurities, Kinda, M/M, Short, Spock Needs a Hug (Star Trek), but not not sweet, everyone is a jerk, feelings of inferiority, kinda ambiguous ending, not sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22991491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carlosaphina/pseuds/Carlosaphina
Summary: Spock has been in unhealthy relationships (platonic, romantic, and sexual) his whole life, so he thinks that a normal relationship is like that. Then he falls in love with Jim.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Broken [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675045
Comments: 6
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title kinda describes Spock.  
> The second chapter is K/S.  
> Hope you like it!

When Spock was 4 he hadn't mastered writing Golic. He knew he would have displeased Father yet again. "Stupid, illogical, bastard," he called himself, repeating what others around him told him. "You are unworthy of being called Vulcan."

***

"Spock," Sarek said menacingly, "why haven't you mastered Golic? At your age, Vulcan children would have mastered writing Standard, Golic, and fragments of at least two other elective languages. You are barely passing Terran standards with this... rubbish you write," he gestured towards the scribbles on the PADD, which were messy Golic, but still legible. "I expect more of you," Sarek said.

* * *

Spock was 7 when he was bonded to T'Pring. The first thought that he had felt through the bond was, "illogical half-breed." 

"Father, am I supposed to hear all of T'Pring's thoughts?" he asked, wondering if this was how it's supposed to be.

"Yes Spock. That is how a bond functions." Sarek said, and that was that

* * *

In the last few levels of schooling, when people realized that it would be their last chance to choose who they slept with, someone asked Spock if they could copulate. Stonn, the guy who asked, was physically attractive and not too mean to Spock, so he agreed. 

When they melded through their shared orgasm, Spock felt the disdain that Stonn had for him. Oh well, this was how it was supposed to be.

* * *

Spock was at the academy when he met Uhura. She was pretty by Terran standards, and relatively intelligent. The only problem was that she wanted him to be emotional. One day he gave in. 

"Nyota," Spock said, "I love you." but he didn't mean it. He never did.

"I love you too baby." she said, eyes full of contentment

If only that would last.

***

"You don't even know _how_ to feel," Uhura shouted, "I don't know how we did this for so long, but clearly it isn't benefiting either of us! You are INTOLERABLE!" 

"..."

Uhura, realizing what she had done, calmed down and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it's true. We aren't meant to be." But Spock had tuned out everything before she said this, so the last thing he heard from her was 'You are intolerable,' and that hurt.

* * *

Bones was a relatively nice, but grumpy man. He didn't let people in much, so when he agreed to sleep with Spock they were both surprised. After everything was said and done, Bones grouched, "Don't think this changes anything between us hobgoblin."

This wasn't anything that Spock wasn't used to.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... And then Jim happened.

* * *

The first time Spock met Jim, they were in a bar and Jim hit on Spock to no avail. Spock had broken up with Nyota just a few days before, and though he would never admit it, Spock wasn’t emotionally stable.

* * *

The second time they met wasn’t much better, given the fact that Spock called Jim a cheat, Spock’s home planet got destroyed as did his mother, _and_ Jim destroyed the little that was left of Spock’s spirit.

* * *

A year and a half later (1 Terran year, 181 days and 5 hours, to be exact), Jim asked Spock out. They had gotten to know each other and though Spock wasn’t anywhere close to emotive around Jim, they could read each other like open books (“It would be more reasonable to say PADD rather than book because books don’t have a ‘text-to-audio’ feature, Jim”). They went out on their first date a week later due to an attack by the Klingons.

* * *

Spock knew that this most relationships were solidified by sex, so he wondered why, in his and Jim’s 26 days of dating, they hadn’t had sex. He didn’t have the courage to bring it up with Jim. 

* * *

17 days of celibacy later, Spock asked Jim. “Oh. Well, um, I know I had a record at the Academy, but I’m not really into sex.”Spock knew that was a lie. He meditates on the fact that Jim most likely found him to be repulsive and didn’t want to stay.

* * *

6 days later, Spock saw Jim hold the hand of one of the aliens that had boarded. Spock just turned away, the hollowness in his heart growing.

* * *

”I don’t know what I did this time, but I’m sorry. Please tell me what I did wrong.” Though the wording sounded sarcastic, Jim was trying to help. 

“It’s nothing” Spock said, eyes cold and unfeeling, not caring to turn to J—Kirk.

”Spock. I know I did something wrong, but I don’t know what. I love you and I want you to know that, so tell me what I did. I promise it won’t happen again.” Spock was shocked that there was no anger, no sadness, no indifference, directed towards him. Only care and affection.

Spock knew that when people were nice to him, it usually was just a facade. Jim’s kindness was suspicious. “Why aren’t you mad at me?”

”What?” Jim asked, confused “What do you mean?”

”If I behaved like this to Nyota or Stonn or anyone else, for that matter, they’d be mad or frustrated with the fact that I expect something that they aren’t used to giving.”

”Why would I be mad? Also, that’s why you’re dating me and not them.” Jim said, curling next to Spock’s seated form.

”People constantly tell me how I don’t live up to their expectations. They usually don’t tolerate any ‘pride’ I have.” That broke Jim’s heart.

”Honey, it’s your dignity that people are trying to take away from you. Don’t let anyone talk down to you or mistreat you. Your characteristics make you beautiful. You are kind, though you don’t notice. Though you may have some ‘flaws’ as of some people, you’re you and that’s all I’d want you to feel obligated to do.” Jim said, hoping Spock knew how much Spock’s individuality meant to everyone (that mattered).

* * *

  
That didn’t magically ‘fix’ Spock’s insecurities or how he saw himself, but Jim and Spock worked on it. Spock became more comfortable with himself, and felt less shameful when he thought about himself, though he never felt true dignity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I kinda wrote this for the old me, because I felt really inferior about myself. I listened to a lot of music to help me through things, and just wanted to make myself feel like I had ended that chapter in my life, and given myself closure in my toxic relationship with my doubts, demons and insecurities. So yeah. To anyone else whose insecurities and doubts are much louder than most people’s: you are beautiful on the inside despite what you may think.  
> Please comment! (Or if you don’t feel like it, spare a Kudos for me pls.)


End file.
